No Dr. Helmig This Week

posted by Sitnalta on February 13, 2009 6:22 PM in Rant

Well, there's no Doctor Helmig for this week. February is not a good time for me, and the past week was particularly horrid, but I won't bore you.

I feel I have some sort of responsibility for providing you, our audience, with some sort of humor-based visual stimuli. So instead of a comic that takes many hours to complete, how about a random bitter commentary on an episode from a television series nobody remembers? That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I present for you:

This Week's Episode: "Treasures of the Mind"

Crew: "We found the lost library of Alexandria! Woot!"

Audience: "It took a gargantuan billion-dollar submarine to find ruins under 50 feet of water?"

Crew: "Shush!"

World: "Zow! A priceless archaeological find! We must destroy it so we can fulfill our own petty, selfish needs. We do this because we're not nerds like you."

Crew: "HAX!"

Later, during an important world summit held under a tent (possibly in somebody's back yard.)

Captain: K, suckas. This is how things roll in the United Earth Oceans 'hood: We have the world's greatest submersible armed to the teeth with plasma torpedoes and thermonuclear warheads. We're gonna leave hot brass on all ya'll's block if you don't do what we want. Thank you. Please be seated."

Bickering countries: "We totally want all those priceless artifacts in the Library of Alex Trebek!"

Captain: "Alexandria."

Bickering countries: "Yeah, whatever. It belongs to us because we occupy the same general geographic area that these ancient civilizations did. Case closed."

Telepath: "Psst! Captain! These dudes are total lamers. Start saying shit that sounds reasonable. Talk like you have brain cancer and look longingly at the sky."

Captain: "Dudes, if you leave the library the way it is, you guys will get tons of girlfriends."

Bickering countries: "Sweet!"

Libya: "Fuck you and fuck this."

Telepaths: "He's a fairy bleeder, Captain. Call him on it."

Captain: "stfu, Libya."

Libya: "WHAT!? GRAH! WE ARE LIBYANS SO WE'RE GOING TO ACT LIKE ASSHOLES FOR NO REASON AND BLOW UP THIS... THIS... 'LYE-BERRY'"

Captain: "Goddamn Libyans"

Back on Seaquest:

Captain: "You telepaths suck. You blew the summit on purpose."

Telepaths: "Yeah, we need a vacation so we put the fragile world peace at risk so they'd fire us."

Captain: "Since I am morally superior to you, I won't take any disciplinary action. Have fun in the Bahamas!"

Telepaths: "K! ^_^"

On the bridge:

Ted Rami: "Ugh... these foreign navy captains suck at driving boats. The Italians just ran into somebody. They are abominable retards."

Commander: "Well maybe you should turn down the volume on your sonar, NERD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Why are you doing your job anyway?"

Ted Rami: "I heard divers in the water. It's probably the Libyans trying to blow up the Library. Like they said they would."

Commander: "Huh. Well let's not tell anybody about it until they attack. Wouldn't want to alarm all the helpless people inside the library."

Inside a convenient air-pocket in the library:

Captain: "Boy these scrolls and statues sure are pretty! I, of course understand everything that is here, because I am morally superior to everybody! Have I mentioned how morally superior I am?"

Telepath: "Yes. About 20 times in idle conversation during the pod ride over here. Even when you were reading off the depth gauge."

Captain: "I am morally superior to you."

Telepath: "Yes. Thank you. I know. Hey, not to stroke your ego even more, but it turns out you're also a very strong telepath. Let's have brain sex."

Captain: "Kay. WAIT! I sense.... DANGER!"

Libyans: "'sup, muthafuckas!"

Back on the Seaquest Bridge:

*KABOOM*

Commander: "What the...? Who's shooting depth-charges at us?"

Ted Rami: "It's the Libyans you stupid asshole. The Libyans I told you about? The Libyans who were laying explosives around the library for 3 hours but you said 'Not to worry' and that 'It'd be cool.' Remember?"

Commander: "Whatever. I don't speak nerd. Flood the torpedo tubes but don't fire until they drop 2 or 3 more depth charges."

Ted Rami: "Dumbass."

2 or 3 depth-charges later...

Commander: "PENIS ROCKET AWAY!!!"

Ted Rami: "... um... firing torpedo, sir."

*torpedo fires and bounces harmlessly off the Libyan ship*

Commander: "Hah! That'll teach you to mess with us, Libyans! You better get out of here before we waste more expensive, unarmed ordnance!"

Ted Rami: "They're moving off... for some reason."

Commander: "HA! I'm like a pussy Ronald Reagan!"

Back at the World Summit/BBQ Potluck:

Captain: "Aight, muthas. We're targeting the library with nukes and we're going to destroy it in an unimaginable nuclear holocaust unless you agree to leave it the fuck alone. Libya, here's some stupid stone tablet we found. It shows you people as a peace-loving society long ago. Take a good look at it because I swear to God I will rape you with it if you don't learn a valuable lesson. Are we in agreement?"

Bickering countries: "Yes."

Libya: "You are truly morally superior to us all."

Captain: "Shut up! I know!"

Back on Seaquest:

Captain: "Well, everything turned out for the better. Isn't that right, Darwin, the talking dolphin?"

Darwin: "Darwin. Eat. Babies!"

Ted Rami: "Dolphin... IN MY BRAIN!!!!!"

Captain: "Yep. Dolphins are so much more wiser and mystical than us humans. Well, I'm going to my quarters to lament over a holographic projection of my dead wife for 6 hours or until the soul-crushing sadness lulls me into unconsciousness. Later!"

Bratty 16-year old computer wiz: "Bewbs."

THE END

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