The Love Guru: The Anticomedy Reveals Himself!
It is prophesied that in the End Times, a dark force will be born in the East, carried on wings of ill-advised marketing and deliberate product placement, that the Anticomedy, the one force of evil so hellaciously non-comedic, will arise. The Anticomedy, upon coming to power, will bring the Laffageddon upon us, and many millions will perish in his wrath.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Myers (not to be confused with Michael Myers, our favorite babysitter-killing sociopath in a William Shatner mask) is, undoubtedly, the Anticomedy. I can confirm this with numerology, I can verify this with Biblical texts, I can point to specific texts in the Secret Vatican Library that point to the Dark One's ineffable plan to obliterate the righteous power of comedy once and for all. That would take time, of course.
The Love Guru is a film about, well, a love guru. In a parody of Dr. Phil crossed with Deepak Chopra, Mike Myers piddles around in his THIRD bad rendition of a Peter Sellers character (Dieter, the host of Sprockets being Dr. Strangelove, Austin Powers being Sellers' turn at James Bond in Casino Royale, and the Love Guru, whose actual name I have forgotten less than 24 hours after viewing it, based on Hrundi V. Bakshi from The Party), using his trademark scatological ha-has and even a urine soaked mop fight to attempt to sell us on the idea of the Love Guru being another film franchise.
What's always confused me about Myers is why he is the one with multimillion dollar puff-piece extravaganzas and Dana Carvey, his ally in the Wayne's World movies, seemingly completely incapable of getting anything made. Sure, The Master of Disguise was a bad movie, but not nearly as bad as The Love Guru, both of which are plotless sketch comedies thinly packed around a broadly based costumed character. Pistachio Disguisey at least gave us the cultural meme "TURTLE, TURTLE, TURTLE." To make it even more insulting, Myers steals practically wholesale the same gimmick, premise and follow-through as Sasha Cohen's brilliant Borat, only without any sense of satire or gravitas that Borat actually brought to the table.
Borat was a broad comic character, yes. The conceit that he was interviewing Americans about American foibles, especially during a time of war and bad political policies, actually made Borat a very timely, very powerful character. Mike Myers, as Guru Pitka, is neither based in a satirical reality nor fantastic enough to be cinematic. Even Austin Powers, a character that was tired 3/4s of the way through the first movie, at least had a plot to keep us busy.
The Love Guru also stars Justin Timberlake as a character named Jacque "Le Coq". Yes. Oh, and the "funny" names only get more obvious. A classic Kids in the Hall sketch, featuring Kevin McDonald and Dave Foley as themselves in a writer's meeting, touches on the rules of "funny" names, ruling that just putting two words together and hoping they sound funny and then attaching a "Mister" ahead of it is rarely funny.
Again, one character is named "Dick Pants".
Oy. Fucking. Vey.
Ultimately, this is one of the classic unfunny comedies, up there with Dan Ackroyd's career killer, Nothing But Trouble. It's tasteless, it's baseless, it's just lame.
Final Judgement: ONLY THE EXORCIST CAN SAVE US NOW.
For those of you who missed 
Look, I am willing to let some things slide that I know a lot of you die-hard Transfans are pitching a hissy fit over. First of all, it's Michael Bay. Yeah, The Island was a stinker and The Rock wasn't fantastic, but they had some pretty good actiony blow-em-ups. Michael Bay can do actiony blow-em-ups and let's face it: Transformers needs good actiony blow-em-ups. It's not like it's supposed to be incredibly deep. TF is here to appeal to boys and sell toys. If you think otherwise, you're kidding yourself.